Dead Woman Walking

Two months have passed since my last blog.  Two. Very. Long. Months (years?).  I think I have developed racer's fatigue...I have been feeling drained, dull.... well, dead.  This is not suppose to be the normal state of a growing Christian; as the word"growth" implies, forward momentum should be occurring only it doesn't seem like I'm going in any direction but around the same ole circle.  I've come to the conclusion that perhaps this is due to the length of time I've been struggling along with ever worsening health problems.  Afterall, 27 years is a L O N G time when you're talking pain of any kind.  Some suffering sorta blows into your life , then blows your life up and blows on out of your life.  Other times it just never ends.  Years go by and a dead marriage never revives or that child never straightens out or a sick loved one becomes bed-ridden, or...well, you can fill in the blank.

With this dead feeling persisting, I began to call to my Father for help, sending up flare prayers twenty times a day asking for a renewed mind or energy of spirit.  Eventually, He brought to mind a very well-worn verse to my attention through my mom: Romans 12:1.  The idea of being a "living sacrifice" was not a new one to me, of course, but I had always glibly attributed that concept as just the normal status of being born again and growing in the Lord.  I don't think that anymore. The word "living" means exactly the same thing in Greek (what the apostle Paul spoke) as it does in English, as I discovered looking the word up in Strong's Concordance.  But "sacrifice" had additional implied meanings (like the word "love" in English can mean loving hot dogs all the way to loving God; it depends on the context).  In Greek "sacrifice"can also mean "victim".  Bingo!  That really caught my attention!

Being a victin is EXACTLY how I sometimes felt inside.  A victim of bad genes or a victim of my insurance company or, well, a victim of God.  Afterall, people's suffering and pain ends for thousands every day... why not me I would wonder?  I knew this was incorrect and immature spiritual thinking, for as I have often written, God loves me and is in control of it all so why worry about it.  But somehow, I could not get my perspective adjusted; I was just out of gas.  OK, God was in control, but what was the vital, daily reason behind the awful daily grind of suffering?  The spark of living wasn't even a dying ember... I felt as useful as a dead woman, as vibrant as last decade's hit song, as fresh as trash!!!

But  suddenly I  realized that God meant for me to be consumed by the grind, destroyed by the suffering...a living dead woman!!  By allowing myself to be a victim of the Lord has created a deep shift in my thinking.  No wonder I felt destroyed and victimized...I WAS a VICTIM OF GOD, a woman whose dreams were dead, my career over, my usefulness non-existent.  Alive but dead!!!  You see, I now no longer think of my empty pain- filled, boring useless days as nothing?  I am beginning to understand  (a little) that DEAD is ALIVE to God.  I don't have a clue how my reduced life has any spiritual impact but God does.  He wants me to see my suffering as an avenue of death creating life...my "death" creating spiritual momentum as I CHOOSE to present myself to God as a WALKING DEAD WOMAN. Wow!!  That is a re-energizing concept.  So now when my pain meds aren't remotely working and I want to die...I just smile (sorta), because I already am!  And knowing my God, this concept will create more life bubbling up in me that only He can give!  Will I suffer less?  No.  Will it be easier?  No.  But I have a sneaking suspicion that being a victim of God's is going to be one exciting way to die!!

Storm Damage

A few weeks ago, the last remnants of the latest Gulf hurricane came through.  It didn't bring any severe weather to the Memphis area, but it did bring a lot of rain and strong winds.  When it finally blew on, I noticed all the damage the winds had done to my roses...petals everywhere.  Also, a potted hibiscus that was covered in blooms had been blown over and rolled to a stop several feet from its place on the patio.  The was extensive bloom carnage and I was upset!  These beautiful blooming plants are around our pool & patio area, over which my kitchen window looks.  I've spent many pleasant moments gazing at the riot of color all the many various plants make while rising dishes and loading the dishwasher.  But now after the storm, all I saw was RED!!!!  I fussed and fumed over the destructiveness of the storm and hoped my garden would rally before the Autumn temps came.

To my surprise, not only did they rally, but within a week or so, they looked even better then they had before the storm.  It reminded me of the great ice storm that hit the Southeast in the early '90's.  Our three year old weeping willow on the corner of our yard was so weighted with ice that it was literally uprooted.  The whole neighborhood grieved its sure demise.  We even had people we didn't know stop their car and holler their condolences over the beautiful baby tree.  After the ice melted, my husband walked out to survey the damage up close.  He told me that it was about 85% uprooted and was going to dig it out, cut it up and dump it.  But I begged him to give it a chance since Spring was just a few weeks away.  Well, he wasn't thrilled with the idea, but he and a friend worked all Saturday trying to get it upright and firmly staked in the ground.  And would you believe it not only lived, but grew more lush and more quickly than it ever had.  It was a joy to the neighbors and a wonder to me. To this day, over 15 years later, someone will occasionally comment on that winter and the miracle weeping willow.

Well, of course, to you gardeners out there, these stories are not surprising.  Plants thrive if "wounded" correctly...commonly know as "pruning"!!  Are you seeing the marvelous lesson the Heavenly Father gave us through His plants?  Are you being pruned by some sudden and/or violent storm in your life?  Are you, like I was, seeing red and inwardly hoping to just survive..
forget about thrive, through the storm damage?  Take heart....our Father is a master planter.  He is pruning us in order for a more vibrant, healthy person to develop!  Just endure the  "dead-heading"!  He will create beauty out of the storm damage!

Changing Times

I like change...well, some of them, anyway.  I like the change of season; I like to change my furniture arrangement or my hair color.  But I definitely DO NOT like any change that stresses me out or upsets my plans...who does?  Recently our two sons moved out of our home into an apartment.  I like their roommate.  I like their apartment.  I do not like their absence.  In fact, I thought I'd never get over crying every night I passed their former (empty) room.  We see them every week and often talk on the phone but it's not the same as having them here.  I found it ironic that this change has created two very different reactions.  I'm sad...they are THRILLED!!!!  They are reveling in their new status and I am wallowing in longing for the way it used to be.  This is a phenomenon I've observed many times.  A divorce often results in one very ecstatic "free" person and one that is totally devastated.  One person receives a promotion while another feels "passed over".  There is a strange dynamic to most changes...two polar opposite sides.  It's a ball when a change is positive...but what about when you are on the down side of the situation?  How do you cope with the pain that change often brings?

I recently posted on my FB status that God is more interested in changing us than He is in changing our environment.  Perhaps that's the real reason behind sudden, unexpected negative changes...God is trying to CHANGE US.  You know the old saying, "no pain, no gain"?  Could it be that a fundamental way to deal with change is to see God's hand in it?  I know that this is paramount...GOD IS IN CONTROL.  When life is going from bad to worse, I am learning to look for the area this change is most affecting in ME.  My husband and I are very close, but we're drawing even closer now that we are back to being just a couple.  When I realized this, the tears over my empty nest began to dry up.  I am seeing a very positive aspect to what felt like a catastrophe to me.  If only I could immediately see the wonderful thing God intends when the change hits me, I might be calmer  during the change.  But, that would not encourage faith, would it?  When the bills are passed due and a lay-off occurs and panic sets in...use that panic as an indicator that God is at work IN you by changing things around you.  Exercise faith in God that He hasn't lost track of your life, even when it really looks like He has.  Looking back over my life, I can clearly see what a total waste of time panic is and how pointless it is to resist or resent change.  Instead, let's purpose to learn to embrace it and leave the outcome to the Lord...after all...HE NEVER CHANGES and that's a fact that will never change!!!! 

Dark Times

As you probably have noticed, instead of "blogging" twice a month, I'm posting about every six weeks. It saddens me to find myself falling more silent these past months, but there is a reason...the suffering has increased. I realized a few weeks ago that I have been sick about half of my life, and barring a miracle, will leave this world in an ever weakening body. I know many of you are suffering intensely; trudging on through a maze of difficult situations. Some have been enduring for years and years...finding no end in sight. But whether the trial is very long or over in a few horrendous weeks, the suffering ebbs and flows. When the fire is burning hotter, as it is in my life right now, one thing is becoming clearer and clearer...it is a SOLITARY JOURNEY.

Each experience is as unique as a fingerprint. For example, two women living through the dying moments of a marriage can relate to many common experiences: fear of loneliness, pain of rejection, the false guilt, etc. But each woman will react to various aspects of her experience very differently. One may feel adandoned while the other will be relieved the marriage is over. In my case of illness...all understand the frustration of dealing with doctors/insurance/drug companies, etc, but while one may react in fear, the other reacts in rage. I find these subtle differences can create a real feeling of isolation. Nobody really "gets it". No one can really relate to my struggle intimately, not even my very loving family I am blessed with. I find these subtle differences make a huge difference when trying to communicate what I so desperately need sometimes. For example, sometimes we may just need to be listened to but find ourselves in a conversation trying to explain ourselves to the very person who supposedly knows us well. This can dramatically increase suffering. Depression, a very common problem when in heaviness of the heart, can be amplified by feelings of solitude or aloneness. And who wants suffering to increase?

Right now, my condition is worsening (as most chronic illnesses do ). This has thrown my entire family into a kind of tailspin as we each try to absorb the changes and what they mean about my future. You may find yourself in a worsening stage of your trial...and everyone around you is reacting differently to this intensening of the suffering. This is a very, very critical time. In fact, it is during these worsening stages that all may be lost if you don't CONSTANTLY keep your focus on one thing and NOTHING ELSE. This essential thing is the absolute and total LOVE your Heavenly Father has for you. He, and no one else, completely understands the great yawning crevices of fear or loneliness or longing that can torment you. He, and none other, knows the cry of your heart as all about you lies destruction. He alone is the healer of broken lives, broken hearts and broken dreams. The Bible tells us that He both wounds us and heals us. That only He knows the deepest need of your heart and has the way to relief. Yes, I cry to my loved ones...but I'm learning that there is only one ear I need to cry to...the ear of the Lord. So as I pass through these worsening times, don't think my lack of writing means I'm barely coping...rather, let it be a testament to the fact that right now, as it is very, very hard.....I whisper only to Him.

Down But Not Out!

I must say, life at its best , IS HARD!!! Sometimes, it seems that no amount of trying changes a thing. I am definitely weary, worn-out, tired-of-the-struggle and just plain wiped-out. There's a book entitled, "Where does a Mother go to Resign". Well, I want to know, where do I go to resign from everything!!!! Ever feel like me? I know it!s not too cool to admit those feelings, especially in Christian circles. Afterall, we are supposed to be humming along in our walk with the Lord, but I think I have stopped walking or even crawling for that matter. All I can do... is stand. Fortunately, there is a verse in the Word that tells me that standing is exactly what we are to do when we have done everything else. To stand means to be in an upright stance...no retreating or forward movement. Just holding...the...ground. Do you realize how extremely important it is in warfare to hold your ground? It means that you are not giving up ground that was hard won in the first place. That you are in a position to move forward when the time is right and the General says to move on. Standing ground in war also means that you are in a position to receive supplies to aid your next assault on the enemy. I believe that Christians are involved in spiritual warfare at all times. But when you are suffering pain (or have been wounded), you are truly engaging the enemy. He is wiley, and will hit hard when you're hurting...he wants us to retreat in fear or revolt in open rebellion against our Commander. But when you have fired your last round of ammo, and it seems certain that you will fail...KNOW that STANDING is an aggressive stance...one our Enemy hates, because it represents that we are still in the fight...still hanging on, even though we wish it was just over!!! Right now, I am in a very tough fight as I know many of you are. Stand, fellow warrior!!! See the importance of standing. Don't believe the lie that it indicates quitting or failing. It doesn't! Stand on the rock of God's unfailing love and care, on His absolute knowledge of the entire war and His never ending wisdom as He leads us through this long, hard fight. Remember, He walked a very painful road on Earth, and He stood His ground to the very end, and He will do the same in us!! PRESS ON!!! S T A N D!!!

Catching-up

I feel I need to update my readers (and I am really glad you stop in and read!) since it has been quite a while since my last post. My on-going health issues have taken a sharp downward path that,frankly, caught me by surprise. I have been in a leg cast for 5 months. It has been AWFUL! My doctor made it abundantly clear that I was not to walk at all except to the bathroom and into his office...with a walker. Enforced sitting is a nightmare...life marches onward as I am frozen in time. My recliner and I are one unit now....not a joyful union. My family has been great, but they have had to reorganize their schedule so I am never alone and take care of my every need. Lots of tears of frustration. I mean, I have my "big-girl" pants on as high as I can pull them and I still act like a blubbering idiot! This cast, by the way, is an all-out effort to save my foot...a very, very scary thought. Next I will be wearing a metal brace and those very attractive orthopedic shoes for a year!! I also got the jolt of my life when my neurologist told me that I could very well end up catherized, on a feeding tube and ventilated eventually if my ivIg infusions don't work. Of course, my insurance company chooses this time to balk at providing those infusions ( $20,000 per month). More blubbering ensues. So, I have been overwhelmed, scared to death, and quite literally speechless at times. I have learned when life swamps your boat, all you focus on is bailing for your life! And that's what I have been doing these last few months...bailing. I will say, though, that I can attest with absolute assurance that Gid is indeed the "high tower" He is called repeatedly in the Psalms...a book I have been hanging at out some lately. Without Him to turn to in the periods of pure terror these last months, I KNOW I would have had a nervous breakdown. Is the outlook still grim? Very. Am I still freaked-out? Absolutely! But when I am, I run to Him, cry to Him and tell my Father all about it. And you know what? Peace emerges and I am calm again until the next big wave swamps me. It's impossible to choose the trial. But we do choose how we go through it. I can choose to have a nervous breakdown or I can choose His peace amid the hurricane. I choose His peace. What about you?

Tidbits to Ponder

1. God is FAR more interested in our character than in our comfort. 2. God is more interested in what I am than in what I do. That is why we are called human beings not human doings. 3. Happy moments...PRAISE GOD Difficult moments...SEEK GOD Quiet moments...WORSHIP GOD Painful moments...TRUST GOD Every moment...THANK GOD 4. You can gaze at God and glance at the problem OR you can glance at God and gaze at the problem. Expect vastly different results. 5. Saints are not people who necessarily have light from God. They are really nothings through whom shines God's power to endure, to hope and to love the worst of people in the worst of circumstances.

Unseen Pain

Before the holiday season slips completely away, I'd like to point out the hidden pain experienced by a person central to Christmas...Mary. Mary is known through-out the world as the mother of the Lord Jesus Christ and the Bible said she was "...blessed among women". But I personally believe she also lived with a great amount of emotional pain...hidden, unseen pain...the kind of pain many of us deal with daily; it can be severely debilitating, as well. Consider the era Mary lived in; a time of very distinct differences between the roles of men and women with women being distinctly subserviant to men. Also, the Jewish religion was very strict, having over 600 laws that were added to the hundreds already included in the laws of Moses!! Mary was not from a wealthy background, either, making a husband an essential part of a woman's very existence. When the angel told her she would conceive a child as a virgin, she thanked God for the honor of bringing the Messiah to Israel...and truly it was an honor above all other honors! But I have no doubt, even though the Bible says very little about her daily life, that Mary's family reacted to her "story" of an angelic message and a virgin pregnancy with the same emotions any family would...shock, panic, anger, embarrassment and maybe fear that she had lost her mind as she continued to stick to her story. If my 14 or 15 year old daughter tried to explain her oregnacy as miraculous, I might even wonder if she were trying to cover for her boyfriend in an immature, illogical way. Whatever the specifics, I have NO DOUBT that this amazing announcement was meet with VERY negative reactions. No wonder her family agreed to let her visit her relative, Elizabeth, for several months. I'm sure they wanted to curtail and delay all the malicious gossip that would surge through their little town like a tidal wave. A scandal like an illegitimate child had the potential to affect her father's income, as people would shun them because of their daughter's immoral behavior. In other words, Mary's family was in a crisi and I cannot imagine the deep hurt Mary experienced as she began to see her oarent's literally "freak-out" over her situation. The tears must have fallen for weeks as they all tried to weather the storm and Mary's joy quickly turned to deep pain. Next, as if things could not possibly get worse...her fiancé Joseph didn't believe her "angel story" either and seriously considered breaking their engagement. You see in that era being engaged or "betrothed" was as legally binding as marriage! He would have had to actually divorce her!! This was surely a devastating experience for this young woman...her own love did not believe her but thought she had betrayed him in the worst possible way! This was also very insulting as his reaction placed her in the category of a loose woman. Remember, this was over 2000 years ago; women were absolutely expected to remain virgins until marriage...to not be was catastrophic...it meant sure disgrace and ruined your chance for any decent marriage proposal. Unlike today, being unmarried left a woman in an unstable situation, having to rely on her father or brothers to take care of her...something they were not required to do and often would allow this fallen woman to languish into prostitution...the lowest if the low! Surely Mary was afraid, as well as crushed by the lack of loving support from Joseph, who KNEW she was a virtuous girl! Well, we know from the Bible that God changed Josrph's mind, and he became a loving husband and father. But I have often wondered how long it took Mary to get over the pain of his initial reaction. These types of wounds can hurt for years...hidden from view, but very painful anyway! As the years progressed, we know very little about Mary's life, but we can know some things for certain based on the societal standards of that era. For example, Jesus would have always been considered a "bastard child" and Mary a promiscuous woman. Respectable matrons would have crossed the street to avoid her and this type of shunning would have been part if her life until death. She would have endured many awkward and unpleasant moments throughout her life. Very few believed her son was the Messiah; most probably ultimately believed Jesus was conceived by Mary and Jiseoh before their marriage. Who can know all the pain and inner turmoil Mary lived with? Many live with deep hidden wounds. Often these scars were undeserved, as we are victimized by others and never given the chance to expose the truth of our situation, while some know their hidden pain is the result of their own poor decisions. Either way...PAIN HURTS!! It is a gigantic comfort for me to know that a righteous Gid rules the universe and that He has not missed a thing. God knows every hurt I have, why I hurt and will hold the "wounder" accountable for damaging me. PAYDAY SOMEDAY!!! And as far as the present is concerned, I have a God who knows all about it that I can cry to and who comforts me with His unconditional unending love! I feel certain Mary knew this...after all, her son was God incarnate...I'm sure He comforted his mother all His life and even spoke to his brother John from the cross about taking care of her! All our hidden hurts are clearly seen and understood by our Heavenly Father...run to Him for relief from the hidden pain!!

Why Me????

You know, I'm often asked why God let my health fail. I even have had friends express that it's "not fair" because I I was such an "active Christian" or something similar. And I'd be lying if I said I never wondered that myself. I know many have found themselves in very hard situations...like a cheating spouse or a job loss leading to a home foreclosure. But, there's one thing I'm learning..."why?" is the wrong question because it implies that we see things from the perspective of an all wise God...which, of course, we don't. Consider the Apostle Paul...writer of many New Testament books and arguably one of the greatest of Christians. He asked the Lord 3 times to remove a serious physical problem; as we all know, the answer was "No" every time, God explaining that His strength would be seen through this problem of Paul's. But I want to point out another time God put Paul in an undeserved difficult time...the time he and Silas visited Phillipi. They were greeted by a demon-possessed fortune teller who openly mocked them. They helped her by casting the demon out of her which infuriated her owners due to lost income. So what happened? Paul and Silas were thrown in a Roman dungeon after they were beaten. A Roman dungeon was a vile, stinking place where they were chained together and their only position was one of sitting on a filthy floor. No care taken of their open wounds; no food or water; no way to notify anyone...all told a VERY unfair response to their kindness toward a pitiful woman. I mean, WHAT WAS GOD THINKING??? I know I would have concluded God didn't care and curled-up into a pity-party. But not those two...they SANG praises to God!!!!! The result! God sent an earthquake that broke their restraints and opened every cell door!!! But no prisoner chose to flee...in fact, the frantic jailer was reassured by Paul that none had escaped. We then are told that all the prisoners were converted, the jailer took them to his home, dressed their wounds and he and his family were all converted. Even the town administrator apologized to them!! And so the "Church at Phillipi" was begun...the only church that Paul, years later in a letter to that growing church (the book of Phillipians), had nothing but praise for!! My, my what an awful thing God "did" to Paul and Silas!! You see, the book of Isaiah tells us that God's ways are NOT our ways; His ways are too high for us to understand. In fact, I'm pretty sure Paul and Silas had no clue what God was doing...they just chose to trust Him and praise HIm during an undeserved hard time! What about it? Can you trust God when He is bringing hard, undeserved circumstances into your life?? No telling what He has in mind...we just have to TRUST HIM not understand Him!

Supply and Need

Boy, I don't know about you, but I often feel like I have way more needs than I do supplies! In fact, most of life can seem that way...not enough money to pay bills, no patience with a demanding boss or needy children. Or how about your mate? Been needing more than you think you'll ever get (or give)? I sometimes feel like a dried up river...I have nothing more to give, yet I still need tons of life-giving water! As you know, my personal struggle is chronic illness and the complex ways it has changed me and my life. But within that larger issue is the very pressing panic (hopelessness, helplessness, despair, fear, anger,etc) that comes from unremitting PAIN! Just like a broken heart overwhelms your mind, body and soul, pain often threatens to swamp and sink my boat. I'm not talking about a sinus headache, either. I mean severe pain that defeats sleeping pills, infusions and even the very powerful narcotic, fentanyl. When my pain ramps up from moderate and moves toward the severe level, I can literally have the compulsion to RUN, because it triggers the "fight or flight" response!
However, my gracious Savior has been teaching me a new principle, lately...the one of need and supply. Often, I see no way to bear the pain, I just endure it as it rips me to shreds. But a verse in Isaiah 45 (v.3) says that God will give me the treasures from secret places so that I can further understand that He is GOD and the only one capable of meeting my needs. In other words, He has the "supply" before I ever even have the "need". God always works like that: He made air before He made a single air breather, water before thirst existed, light before one eye was made and a redemption plan before there was a single human being! I don't mean He's a huge "off" switch for my pain, though I have experienced that many times. What I mean is that He has whatever I need to cope with and rise above the pain...the supply of power to withstand the destructive force of pain. It's just a matter of calling on Him so He can "show me great and mighty things", things that are not temporal but eternal. But I have to choose to call out to Him AND trust Him.
I encourage you to reflect on this truth of the vast supply of ANYTHING you need. My pain and your need is no surprise to God, even if it is to us. He is always ready and willing to meet us at our point of need...after all, He said He'd supply all my needs, so why am I so slow to ask Him to? Well, I intend to learn to have faith in the secret treasures of God's supply...how about you????

Glitter and Shine

You can always tell when someone has been using glitter. You can never quite get it all off of you. I noticed a few tiny specks once on a friend's cheek. Most of the time, they weren't even noticeable, but if she turned her head a certain way, I'd see a tiny glint of light shimmer on her cheek for a second. Occasionally, in bright daylight, I'd really be dazzled by their bright shine and sparkle! It all depended on my point of view.
Seeing the difficulties someone is going through is the same as seeing the glitter's sparkle...it depends on your point of view. I may be shocked to hear someone filed for divorce, whereas, a person closer to the couple may have predicted it. I find living with a painful disease is like that; some friends seem insensitive to my inability to "keep up", for instance. My lack of health is not "glinting" brightly enough for them to notice my problem. Other friends seem to be keenly aware of my situation, as if the "glitter" is always shining brightly to them. I know I have not always seen the pain in the faces of my friends like I feel I should have. Their current "pain" of a child struggling in school or the threat of a home foreclosure or feelings of depression and despair are not obvious to me. Oh, I may be generally aware of their struggle, but I know I have not seen the "glitter shine" like I should have. It seems we often fail one another by our lack of sympathy or lack of true concern. Life is hard for everyone like that. We all NEED pity and help but rarely seem to GIVE pity and help.
But all is not hopeless!! We have a loving God who is full of compassion and tender mercies toward us. He always sees the glint of our glitter!! And He NEVER runs out of patience with us...but, in fact, understands us far better than we understand ourselves! When you feel like no one sees or cares, KNOW that there is an almighty God who does know and care. Run to Him in your time of trouble. You will find that Jesus will always care and will love you unconditionally!

19 dollar Crockpot

Recently I broke one of my old crockpots, so my son dutifully went to Wal-Mart and photographed with his phone the three choices. The first was a sweet black model with cool buttons and digital displays...I immediately wanted it, though it was, of course, the most expensive at $49. The second was chrome with a "warmer" option and locking devices on the lid, all for the reasonable price of $29...Jeff liked it better. Finally, in third place was a plain ole crockpot, looking suspiciously like my old crockpot...for, yep, you guessed it, $19. Sadly, Jeff likes this one the best. We have not resolved this difference looming between us. I'm pushing the $49 model, hoping we'll "compromise" with the $29 one; strangely, Jeff is now saying he thinks the old one is fine with a minor crack in it's crock. Obviously, he's hoping I'll give up the fight and resign myself to the $19 one.
What, you my be thinking, has this got to do with pain and suffering? More than you realize. You see, when I was a young woman...I had an easy life. I was a "pretty girl" with plenty of dates, an education, some talent, a solid family and a great circle of friends. One day, I married my soul-mate, had two fine sons and enjoyed a very satisfying career. I was definitely a $49 crockpot with all the bells and whistles. Fast forward to the age of 39 and a diagnosis of cancer; suddenly, emotional pain, with a threat of serious physical pain, was an uninvited aspect of my golden life. Trouble had come with a capital "C"! I had been down-graded; I was a $29 crockpot...nice, but not anything special! Now, a decade later, I'm clawing to remain a $19 crockpot. You see, my fortieth year was catastrophic...a non- stopping spiral of many physical issues with a very dismal outlook. I am most certainly headed for the cracked crockpot category; in fact, I probably am already there. I don't even remotely resemble the $49 model I used to be...I'm ready for the yard sale.
But, I have to say, my cracked crockpot still works fine; the damage is all exterior, just like me. In fact ,due to a loving, gracious Father, I am learning to put my treasure where it won't decay...learning not to waste my sorrows but let them be tools that God uses to beautify me spiritually...the only eternal part of me! Now, having all of the outward bells and whistles doesn't even appeal to me anymore. They really have no true value...and, come to think of it, I think I will just keep my cracked crockpot...it works just fine! In fact, it bears the "scars" of "suffering"...just like me!
How about it? Are you wasting your sorrows? Or are the battlescars really the proud medals of hard won spiritual lessons? It's your choice, so choose wisely! The outcome of this choice will meet you in eternity either way!

Abused

I heard a very sobering statistic several weeks ago. According to recent and reliable sources, it is estimated that 4 out of 10 girls and 6 out of 10 boys are sexually abused!! So many, many damaged hearts! And since I am part of that statistic, I thought I'd share a little of my story and some thoughts about the resulting damage because, obviously, so many of you will be able to relate to me. Typically, I was first victimized by a relative at the age of 5. Now, I have discovered that this man abused many of the children in his family, and because I lived out of state, my rate of abuse was very low compared to the shocking abuse borne my those living in the same town! It is very disturbing to realize a vast evil lived in my family and went totally unchecked, wreaking havoc in the lives of several of my cousins, and to a lesser extent, my own. Ten years later, I was molested by a naval doctor! I still vividly recall the doctor ordering a very rattled nurse (I had no clue why she seemed so upset and did everything short of defying a superior officer to remain in the room with me) out of the exam room, turning off the lights, snapping the blinds shut and barking to me to, "Strip!". The assault stopped only when he discovered I was a 15 year old virgin. My nurse must have been hovering outside my door, because she was by my side immediately after he left, trying to comfort me and dry my tears. My mother was extremely upset to see me so tearful, but I had absolutely no idea how to tell her what had happened to me because I didn't know! This was 1970...well before the era of Oprah. No one had ever heard of being assaulted by a doctor! Months later I was date-raped by a "friend" who was giving me a ride home after a church activity!! Well, you get the picture, all though that is not even close to the end of my story, but it is enough, hopefully, to give some credibility to my observations.
By now, we all know about sexual abuse, but we still never talk about it! It is still a taboo and still leaves a great deal of shame in it's wake. I know many women; have taught women's Sunday school classes, home Bible studies and years of high school, and can count on my hands the resulting conversations about this issue, in spite of sharing my experiences and offering to listen to anyone, any time. This makes me very sad because I have taught, in one way or another, about 700 women!!! Statistically, that represents almost 200 abuse victims!!! We simply are NOT talking about it and I know it is eating most of us up inside and is contributing to all kinds of relationship issues, migraines, gastro issues, depression and many other chronic problems!!
Finally, I want to hold out HOPE. There is a God in Heaven, and He sees all things and there will be righteous and severe judgment in eternity! Also, this same avenging God, who despises evil, is able to heal the wounds from the abuse! He alone can offer true comfort, peace and a profound sense of safety and security... Someone to absolutely trust, a thing many of us victims find difficult to do. Call upon Him, and let Him show you great and amazing avenues of healing...the kind of complete healing ONLY God could give! Believe me...I know.

Out of Sight

Are you familiar with the Biblical story of Mary, Martha and their brother Lazerus? The story tells of these three good friends of Jesus' who are expecting Him for a visit in the very near future. During this wait, though, Lazerus becomes very I'll, and the sisters immediately send word to Jesus telling Him that their brother is so sick that they're afraid he might die. They urgently ask that He would quickly come to their home and heal their brother. Jesus tells them not to worry...Lazerus won't die. But he does. Eventually the Lord arrives at their home...days after the death. Of course the women tell Jesus that Lazerus wouldn't have died if He had come earlier...as if Jesus didn't know this. I believe what they were really saying is what any of us would say (or at least think)... WHAT TOOK SO LONG???? YOU SAID HE WOULDN'T DIE!!! WHAT IS GOING ON ?!?!?! Well, Jesus goes to the tomb and tells them to open it. They inform Him that this cannot be done because the stench would be intolerable. In other words...FORGET IT!! YOU DIDN'T CARE ENOUGH TO EVEN GET HERE FOR THE FUNERAL!!! But, evidently, they eventually opened the tomb because Jesus called to his friend Lazerus and he came alive and walked out of his grave!!!
Obviously, this is an amazing story displaying the power of Jesus Christ and demonstrating that He was God in the flesh. But, I'm interested in the story between the lines. To me, this is a story of FAILED FAITH. After all, these two sisters were very close friends of the Lord's and had undoubtedly seen Him perform many miracles. They certainly expected the Lord to heal Lazerus...so what happened to their faith? Probably what happens to our faith when things go from bad to worse...it disappears. Unfortunately, our so called "faith" is not really faith; it's more of a hopeful expectation that everything will be just fine because we prayed about it...except that it isn't fine; in fact, things can sometimes become catastrophic and suddenly our faith is G-O-N-E! Why does our faith fail us? Because it is not solidly vested in the TRUTH (God has everything under His control and things will go His way), but instead is vested in lies (like God is a big blessing machine and I deserve being blessed!).
You know, I want to learn from Mary and Martha's experience and TRUST GOD NO MATTER WHAT...even when things get worse than I ever could have imagined! After all, He is GOD, isn't HE??? Keep trusting Him...no matter what!

Self-Inflicted

I have been amazed lately at the many insidious ways I manage to hurt myself! I'm not talking about the obvious like lack of sleep or poor nutrition, I mean the ways I weaken myself emotionally and spiritually. I can not believe that I still talk to myself negatively, for example. I KNOW that negative thinking has a direct effect on my mood and an indirect one on my health...but do I stop??? Nooooo!! Even knowing that God's Word tells me that "as a man thinks, so is he" doesn't stop me! It's as if we are dead set on defeating our own selves. Why? Part of the answer is, of course, CHOICE. It may not feel like I am choosing my thoughts, but I am...and choosing to indulge in it, so some of this self destruction is really an easy fix. The question is not, "do I WANT to change?" but "WILL I change?" The other causes of this self- inflicted misery is not as clear. Some is vested in a weak faith...the result of not being in the Word consistently. Another part is the affect of the state of the Body of Christ. Christianity is sooo superficial, and I mean good ole evangelical Christians like me! Honestly, as a whole, we have compromised ourselves into such a weakened, copped-out type of belief that it barely makes a difference in our own lifestyles, much less the secular world! For example, believers look and act like the moral unsaved...we get tattoed, we socially drink, go to any type of entertainment (within the "norm"),curse occasionally, justify lying...need I go on?!!! The state of my own "family" is of no help at all, in fact I find it depressing and sad. No wonder churches are losing members...there are so many that only talk the talk and very, very few who walk the talk. I mean, how many Christians do you know that ever talk of personal holiness? We're all too cowardly to take any real stands for fear of being called judgmental or legalistic. I guess someone ripped the book of James out of the Bible...whose faith is really seen through good works (or attitudes or words or thoughts)? So, I'm not only hurt by this mamby-pamby behavior, but I'm also inflicting weakness and pain on others! What an abysmal mess.
I think I am going to try walking in some truth...maybe then I'll begin to self-heal. After all, "truth" defines God and nothing is more healing than He is...body, mind and spirit!

Solitary Confinement

Suffering has many common aspects no matter what is causing it. All of them are grueling issues that must be endured...hopefully with patience and firm faith that the Lord is right in the middle of it with you! One of the worst aspects to me is the isolation that suffering causes. It's very helpful to talk to someone going through the same trauma, but because we are unique individuals, there are differences in the common experience. Often, though, we might not even know someone going through the pain we are. This loneliness can really cause some major discouragement, in spite of loving friends and family. I often wish I could talk to someone who has C.I.D.P. because my family/friends don't know what a numb hand feels like or the fear of losing the use of your hands, for example, feels like. Sympathy, unfortunately, only goes so far...empathy is much harder to find. And so we really are in solitary confinement with no hope of release.

When I begin to feel those walls press in on me, the only relief I get is in the Lord. Because He is God, He really does "get it". I don't have to go through the total frustration of trying to explain anything to Him. He already knows. Also, He will provide strength to bear it...this I know from experience. Whenever I cry out to Him, I realize later that I am much calmer, less afraid and more able to relax. Don't ask me how this happens...it just does!! Plus, I know He knew I would be going through this way before I did...He is not taken by surprise like I am.

Jesus told us He would be with us always, even until the end of the world. So when I feel like my world is ending and I am alone in my misery...I NEVER am. He is there just like He promised and I am never alone!! Either are you!

Keep pressing on.

What's Love Got To Do With It?

How many times have I wondered how on earth God could claim to love me? What does love have to do with divorce? With home repossession? With sexual molestation? Blinding pain of heart or body??? I've looked into eyes that screamed despair and hopelessness while being asked how God could do this? As I told a dear friend who has been viciously attacked and defamed that it was a valid question to ask, I knew I'd better have a "real" answer. There was a time I would have answered her with some platitude or overworked Bible verse (Romans 8:28 comes to mind) because I couldn't REALLY answer her from my heart...from experience.
During some very bleak, dark times while first grappling with my failing health, I truly wanted to know the answer. From my perspective at that time, God seemed to me to be literally destroying me...how is that love??

But it is. As a Christian, I believe God rules over all...all circumstances, results, actions...ALL. Ultimately, you must determine if God is really GOD...does He rule? If you answer "yes" then EVERYTHING comes from LOVE for the Bible states, "God is love.". But it certainly seems contradictory when really tough things happen. But it still is true...love permeates a Christian's life from God's perspective. The trick is learning to look from His point of view.

Consider Jesus. Called a "bastard" (when that was a major social stigma); had a mere 12 followers that included a traitor; had a failed ministry in three short years and then was unjustly convicted of a capital crime and was tortured to death! Then, to top it all off, Jesus died with sin accounted to Him, not His own, but ours! That meant that God the Father could justly leave his soul in eternal death...that's why Jesus commended His soul to His Father on the cross; it wasn't clear what Eternity held for Him!!! But we know He was resurrected back to a sinless life, and now we can have an eternal, sinless life, too!!! WHY? Because, Jesus went through the black, dark times trusting His Father in all things. And out of that trust in the love of God the Father, untold millions of souls will live eternally with Him. Who could imagine so much failure and tragedy could have such incredible results? Well, I can and I'm learning to absolutely trust the love of God no matter how much "reality" says He doesn't care. Because I know Love has Everything to do with it, Do you?

Keep pressing on!

Been awhile since my last post. Lately, three very dear friends have been grappling with so very serious problems that has had me in a tizzy. One has leukemia which has relapsed, another is on a ventilator fighting for his life and another has lost her home through no fault of her own! I don't know about you, but there are some days that I really long for Heaven. To be with the Lord where noting evil or vile can touch me or my friends would be such a relief! No more worrying or fighting with impossible situations and knowing my family is safe would be wonderful!!
Perhaps that is the biggest blessing God has given us... the surety of eternity where there is no sorrow or pain. It is really a "blessed hope" as the Bible says. So when the waves of your storm are getting high and you're tiring of the fight...look up. Heaven is coming one day, and it will never end! Can't wait; how about you?

Dark

We've been having our share of bad weather here in Memphis lately; record flooding (that crept closer and closer to my home...yikes!), and recently some high temperatures and banging t-storms in the afternoon. Typical summer in the South, I guess. I should be used to it, but I still freak out when the power goes out...I mean, it gets hot fast when it's 98* outside and then it gets very dark after sunset...I mean really dark! It's strange how black it gets when every light is out...the timer on the stove~out, the outdoor floodlights~ out, every streetlight~out and it's too dark to find the flashlight lying in the drawer!!! When I do find it and snap it on, the beam is dazzlingly bright...and comforting, too.

Have you ever been in the pitch dark of a horrible situation? Divorce? Sick loved one? Deep depression? Fear of failure or loss? Wounded and hurt emotionally? Man, I have! That kind of darkness is paralyzing; there seems to be no answer, so hope dies and the dark gets deeper.

There is absolutely only ONE "flashlight"... The Word of God, and it's "battery" is faith in what God says to you from His Word. Your obedience to what you've placed your faith in from Scripture will point the light beam toward the way out of the dark or will relieve the despair and panic darkness creates. Absolutely nothing in my life is beyond the control or knowledge of God. He sees perfectly well in the dark, so hug up to Him and don't be afraid of the dark!

Was talking too a very depressed friend tonight. The last 5-6 years had been tough ones full of financial pressures, emotional roller coasters and serious setbacks. Truly he had been through some hard stuff, and I totally understood his depression. What was so troubling, though, was that he couldn't see his oun culpability in any of it...to him, it was all God's fault (or mostly). I've felt like that before. Hard experiences always present the choice between two things: blaming God or trusting God. I'm sad to say that many of us opt for the blame-game...after all, we're good people, trying our best. How could God do this to me?????

After about 3 hours of conversation, and lots of "flare prayers" on my part, he began to admit that he was CHOOSING to refuse to believe that God loved him and only dealt with him from a position of love and would never harm him. The proof of his belief in a spiritual lie was the misery he was living in. Faith in the love of God and trusting Him no matter what the circumstances results in peace and inner joy, because the fear of impending doom is gone and hopefulness returns. That result is proof that you're believing the truth; because truth is part of God and He brings life.

What about you? Your state-of-heart will tell you if you're believing a lie or the truth.
Choose truth and keep pressing on!