Two months have passed since my last blog. Two. Very. Long. Months (years?). I think I have developed racer's fatigue...I have been feeling drained, dull.... well, dead. This is not suppose to be the normal state of a growing Christian; as the word"growth" implies, forward momentum should be occurring only it doesn't seem like I'm going in any direction but around the same ole circle. I've come to the conclusion that perhaps this is due to the length of time I've been struggling along with ever worsening health problems. Afterall, 27 years is a L O N G time when you're talking pain of any kind. Some suffering sorta blows into your life , then blows your life up and blows on out of your life. Other times it just never ends. Years go by and a dead marriage never revives or that child never straightens out or a sick loved one becomes bed-ridden, or...well, you can fill in the blank.
With this dead feeling persisting, I began to call to my Father for help, sending up flare prayers twenty times a day asking for a renewed mind or energy of spirit. Eventually, He brought to mind a very well-worn verse to my attention through my mom: Romans 12:1. The idea of being a "living sacrifice" was not a new one to me, of course, but I had always glibly attributed that concept as just the normal status of being born again and growing in the Lord. I don't think that anymore. The word "living" means exactly the same thing in Greek (what the apostle Paul spoke) as it does in English, as I discovered looking the word up in Strong's Concordance. But "sacrifice" had additional implied meanings (like the word "love" in English can mean loving hot dogs all the way to loving God; it depends on the context). In Greek "sacrifice"can also mean "victim". Bingo! That really caught my attention!
Being a victin is EXACTLY how I sometimes felt inside. A victim of bad genes or a victim of my insurance company or, well, a victim of God. Afterall, people's suffering and pain ends for thousands every day... why not me I would wonder? I knew this was incorrect and immature spiritual thinking, for as I have often written, God loves me and is in control of it all so why worry about it. But somehow, I could not get my perspective adjusted; I was just out of gas. OK, God was in control, but what was the vital, daily reason behind the awful daily grind of suffering? The spark of living wasn't even a dying ember... I felt as useful as a dead woman, as vibrant as last decade's hit song, as fresh as trash!!!
But suddenly I realized that God meant for me to be consumed by the grind, destroyed by the suffering...a living dead woman!! By allowing myself to be a victim of the Lord has created a deep shift in my thinking. No wonder I felt destroyed and victimized...I WAS a VICTIM OF GOD, a woman whose dreams were dead, my career over, my usefulness non-existent. Alive but dead!!! You see, I now no longer think of my empty pain- filled, boring useless days as nothing? I am beginning to understand (a little) that DEAD is ALIVE to God. I don't have a clue how my reduced life has any spiritual impact but God does. He wants me to see my suffering as an avenue of death creating life...my "death" creating spiritual momentum as I CHOOSE to present myself to God as a WALKING DEAD WOMAN. Wow!! That is a re-energizing concept. So now when my pain meds aren't remotely working and I want to die...I just smile (sorta), because I already am! And knowing my God, this concept will create more life bubbling up in me that only He can give! Will I suffer less? No. Will it be easier? No. But I have a sneaking suspicion that being a victim of God's is going to be one exciting way to die!!