As you probably have noticed, instead of "blogging" twice a month, I'm posting about every six weeks. It saddens me to find myself falling more silent these past months, but there is a reason...the suffering has increased. I realized a few weeks ago that I have been sick about half of my life, and barring a miracle, will leave this world in an ever weakening body. I know many of you are suffering intensely; trudging on through a maze of difficult situations. Some have been enduring for years and years...finding no end in sight. But whether the trial is very long or over in a few horrendous weeks, the suffering ebbs and flows. When the fire is burning hotter, as it is in my life right now, one thing is becoming clearer and clearer...it is a SOLITARY JOURNEY.
Each experience is as unique as a fingerprint. For example, two women living through the dying moments of a marriage can relate to many common experiences: fear of loneliness, pain of rejection, the false guilt, etc. But each woman will react to various aspects of her experience very differently. One may feel adandoned while the other will be relieved the marriage is over. In my case of illness...all understand the frustration of dealing with doctors/insurance/drug companies, etc, but while one may react in fear, the other reacts in rage. I find these subtle differences can create a real feeling of isolation. Nobody really "gets it". No one can really relate to my struggle intimately, not even my very loving family I am blessed with. I find these subtle differences make a huge difference when trying to communicate what I so desperately need sometimes. For example, sometimes we may just need to be listened to but find ourselves in a conversation trying to explain ourselves to the very person who supposedly knows us well. This can dramatically increase suffering. Depression, a very common problem when in heaviness of the heart, can be amplified by feelings of solitude or aloneness. And who wants suffering to increase?
Right now, my condition is worsening (as most chronic illnesses do ). This has thrown my entire family into a kind of tailspin as we each try to absorb the changes and what they mean about my future. You may find yourself in a worsening stage of your trial...and everyone around you is reacting differently to this intensening of the suffering. This is a very, very critical time. In fact, it is during these worsening stages that all may be lost if you don't CONSTANTLY keep your focus on one thing and NOTHING ELSE. This essential thing is the absolute and total LOVE your Heavenly Father has for you. He, and no one else, completely understands the great yawning crevices of fear or loneliness or longing that can torment you. He, and none other, knows the cry of your heart as all about you lies destruction. He alone is the healer of broken lives, broken hearts and broken dreams. The Bible tells us that He both wounds us and heals us. That only He knows the deepest need of your heart and has the way to relief. Yes, I cry to my loved ones...but I'm learning that there is only one ear I need to cry to...the ear of the Lord. So as I pass through these worsening times, don't think my lack of writing means I'm barely coping...rather, let it be a testament to the fact that right now, as it is very, very hard.....I whisper only to Him.