Dark Times

As you probably have noticed, instead of "blogging" twice a month, I'm posting about every six weeks. It saddens me to find myself falling more silent these past months, but there is a reason...the suffering has increased. I realized a few weeks ago that I have been sick about half of my life, and barring a miracle, will leave this world in an ever weakening body. I know many of you are suffering intensely; trudging on through a maze of difficult situations. Some have been enduring for years and years...finding no end in sight. But whether the trial is very long or over in a few horrendous weeks, the suffering ebbs and flows. When the fire is burning hotter, as it is in my life right now, one thing is becoming clearer and clearer...it is a SOLITARY JOURNEY.

Each experience is as unique as a fingerprint. For example, two women living through the dying moments of a marriage can relate to many common experiences: fear of loneliness, pain of rejection, the false guilt, etc. But each woman will react to various aspects of her experience very differently. One may feel adandoned while the other will be relieved the marriage is over. In my case of illness...all understand the frustration of dealing with doctors/insurance/drug companies, etc, but while one may react in fear, the other reacts in rage. I find these subtle differences can create a real feeling of isolation. Nobody really "gets it". No one can really relate to my struggle intimately, not even my very loving family I am blessed with. I find these subtle differences make a huge difference when trying to communicate what I so desperately need sometimes. For example, sometimes we may just need to be listened to but find ourselves in a conversation trying to explain ourselves to the very person who supposedly knows us well. This can dramatically increase suffering. Depression, a very common problem when in heaviness of the heart, can be amplified by feelings of solitude or aloneness. And who wants suffering to increase?

Right now, my condition is worsening (as most chronic illnesses do ). This has thrown my entire family into a kind of tailspin as we each try to absorb the changes and what they mean about my future. You may find yourself in a worsening stage of your trial...and everyone around you is reacting differently to this intensening of the suffering. This is a very, very critical time. In fact, it is during these worsening stages that all may be lost if you don't CONSTANTLY keep your focus on one thing and NOTHING ELSE. This essential thing is the absolute and total LOVE your Heavenly Father has for you. He, and no one else, completely understands the great yawning crevices of fear or loneliness or longing that can torment you. He, and none other, knows the cry of your heart as all about you lies destruction. He alone is the healer of broken lives, broken hearts and broken dreams. The Bible tells us that He both wounds us and heals us. That only He knows the deepest need of your heart and has the way to relief. Yes, I cry to my loved ones...but I'm learning that there is only one ear I need to cry to...the ear of the Lord. So as I pass through these worsening times, don't think my lack of writing means I'm barely coping...rather, let it be a testament to the fact that right now, as it is very, very hard.....I whisper only to Him.

Down But Not Out!

I must say, life at its best , IS HARD!!! Sometimes, it seems that no amount of trying changes a thing. I am definitely weary, worn-out, tired-of-the-struggle and just plain wiped-out. There's a book entitled, "Where does a Mother go to Resign". Well, I want to know, where do I go to resign from everything!!!! Ever feel like me? I know it!s not too cool to admit those feelings, especially in Christian circles. Afterall, we are supposed to be humming along in our walk with the Lord, but I think I have stopped walking or even crawling for that matter. All I can do... is stand. Fortunately, there is a verse in the Word that tells me that standing is exactly what we are to do when we have done everything else. To stand means to be in an upright stance...no retreating or forward movement. Just holding...the...ground. Do you realize how extremely important it is in warfare to hold your ground? It means that you are not giving up ground that was hard won in the first place. That you are in a position to move forward when the time is right and the General says to move on. Standing ground in war also means that you are in a position to receive supplies to aid your next assault on the enemy. I believe that Christians are involved in spiritual warfare at all times. But when you are suffering pain (or have been wounded), you are truly engaging the enemy. He is wiley, and will hit hard when you're hurting...he wants us to retreat in fear or revolt in open rebellion against our Commander. But when you have fired your last round of ammo, and it seems certain that you will fail...KNOW that STANDING is an aggressive stance...one our Enemy hates, because it represents that we are still in the fight...still hanging on, even though we wish it was just over!!! Right now, I am in a very tough fight as I know many of you are. Stand, fellow warrior!!! See the importance of standing. Don't believe the lie that it indicates quitting or failing. It doesn't! Stand on the rock of God's unfailing love and care, on His absolute knowledge of the entire war and His never ending wisdom as He leads us through this long, hard fight. Remember, He walked a very painful road on Earth, and He stood His ground to the very end, and He will do the same in us!! PRESS ON!!! S T A N D!!!

Catching-up

I feel I need to update my readers (and I am really glad you stop in and read!) since it has been quite a while since my last post. My on-going health issues have taken a sharp downward path that,frankly, caught me by surprise. I have been in a leg cast for 5 months. It has been AWFUL! My doctor made it abundantly clear that I was not to walk at all except to the bathroom and into his office...with a walker. Enforced sitting is a nightmare...life marches onward as I am frozen in time. My recliner and I are one unit now....not a joyful union. My family has been great, but they have had to reorganize their schedule so I am never alone and take care of my every need. Lots of tears of frustration. I mean, I have my "big-girl" pants on as high as I can pull them and I still act like a blubbering idiot! This cast, by the way, is an all-out effort to save my foot...a very, very scary thought. Next I will be wearing a metal brace and those very attractive orthopedic shoes for a year!! I also got the jolt of my life when my neurologist told me that I could very well end up catherized, on a feeding tube and ventilated eventually if my ivIg infusions don't work. Of course, my insurance company chooses this time to balk at providing those infusions ( $20,000 per month). More blubbering ensues. So, I have been overwhelmed, scared to death, and quite literally speechless at times. I have learned when life swamps your boat, all you focus on is bailing for your life! And that's what I have been doing these last few months...bailing. I will say, though, that I can attest with absolute assurance that Gid is indeed the "high tower" He is called repeatedly in the Psalms...a book I have been hanging at out some lately. Without Him to turn to in the periods of pure terror these last months, I KNOW I would have had a nervous breakdown. Is the outlook still grim? Very. Am I still freaked-out? Absolutely! But when I am, I run to Him, cry to Him and tell my Father all about it. And you know what? Peace emerges and I am calm again until the next big wave swamps me. It's impossible to choose the trial. But we do choose how we go through it. I can choose to have a nervous breakdown or I can choose His peace amid the hurricane. I choose His peace. What about you?

Tidbits to Ponder

1. God is FAR more interested in our character than in our comfort. 2. God is more interested in what I am than in what I do. That is why we are called human beings not human doings. 3. Happy moments...PRAISE GOD Difficult moments...SEEK GOD Quiet moments...WORSHIP GOD Painful moments...TRUST GOD Every moment...THANK GOD 4. You can gaze at God and glance at the problem OR you can glance at God and gaze at the problem. Expect vastly different results. 5. Saints are not people who necessarily have light from God. They are really nothings through whom shines God's power to endure, to hope and to love the worst of people in the worst of circumstances.

Unseen Pain

Before the holiday season slips completely away, I'd like to point out the hidden pain experienced by a person central to Christmas...Mary. Mary is known through-out the world as the mother of the Lord Jesus Christ and the Bible said she was "...blessed among women". But I personally believe she also lived with a great amount of emotional pain...hidden, unseen pain...the kind of pain many of us deal with daily; it can be severely debilitating, as well. Consider the era Mary lived in; a time of very distinct differences between the roles of men and women with women being distinctly subserviant to men. Also, the Jewish religion was very strict, having over 600 laws that were added to the hundreds already included in the laws of Moses!! Mary was not from a wealthy background, either, making a husband an essential part of a woman's very existence. When the angel told her she would conceive a child as a virgin, she thanked God for the honor of bringing the Messiah to Israel...and truly it was an honor above all other honors! But I have no doubt, even though the Bible says very little about her daily life, that Mary's family reacted to her "story" of an angelic message and a virgin pregnancy with the same emotions any family would...shock, panic, anger, embarrassment and maybe fear that she had lost her mind as she continued to stick to her story. If my 14 or 15 year old daughter tried to explain her oregnacy as miraculous, I might even wonder if she were trying to cover for her boyfriend in an immature, illogical way. Whatever the specifics, I have NO DOUBT that this amazing announcement was meet with VERY negative reactions. No wonder her family agreed to let her visit her relative, Elizabeth, for several months. I'm sure they wanted to curtail and delay all the malicious gossip that would surge through their little town like a tidal wave. A scandal like an illegitimate child had the potential to affect her father's income, as people would shun them because of their daughter's immoral behavior. In other words, Mary's family was in a crisi and I cannot imagine the deep hurt Mary experienced as she began to see her oarent's literally "freak-out" over her situation. The tears must have fallen for weeks as they all tried to weather the storm and Mary's joy quickly turned to deep pain. Next, as if things could not possibly get worse...her fiancé Joseph didn't believe her "angel story" either and seriously considered breaking their engagement. You see in that era being engaged or "betrothed" was as legally binding as marriage! He would have had to actually divorce her!! This was surely a devastating experience for this young woman...her own love did not believe her but thought she had betrayed him in the worst possible way! This was also very insulting as his reaction placed her in the category of a loose woman. Remember, this was over 2000 years ago; women were absolutely expected to remain virgins until marriage...to not be was catastrophic...it meant sure disgrace and ruined your chance for any decent marriage proposal. Unlike today, being unmarried left a woman in an unstable situation, having to rely on her father or brothers to take care of her...something they were not required to do and often would allow this fallen woman to languish into prostitution...the lowest if the low! Surely Mary was afraid, as well as crushed by the lack of loving support from Joseph, who KNEW she was a virtuous girl! Well, we know from the Bible that God changed Josrph's mind, and he became a loving husband and father. But I have often wondered how long it took Mary to get over the pain of his initial reaction. These types of wounds can hurt for years...hidden from view, but very painful anyway! As the years progressed, we know very little about Mary's life, but we can know some things for certain based on the societal standards of that era. For example, Jesus would have always been considered a "bastard child" and Mary a promiscuous woman. Respectable matrons would have crossed the street to avoid her and this type of shunning would have been part if her life until death. She would have endured many awkward and unpleasant moments throughout her life. Very few believed her son was the Messiah; most probably ultimately believed Jesus was conceived by Mary and Jiseoh before their marriage. Who can know all the pain and inner turmoil Mary lived with? Many live with deep hidden wounds. Often these scars were undeserved, as we are victimized by others and never given the chance to expose the truth of our situation, while some know their hidden pain is the result of their own poor decisions. Either way...PAIN HURTS!! It is a gigantic comfort for me to know that a righteous Gid rules the universe and that He has not missed a thing. God knows every hurt I have, why I hurt and will hold the "wounder" accountable for damaging me. PAYDAY SOMEDAY!!! And as far as the present is concerned, I have a God who knows all about it that I can cry to and who comforts me with His unconditional unending love! I feel certain Mary knew this...after all, her son was God incarnate...I'm sure He comforted his mother all His life and even spoke to his brother John from the cross about taking care of her! All our hidden hurts are clearly seen and understood by our Heavenly Father...run to Him for relief from the hidden pain!!

Why Me????

You know, I'm often asked why God let my health fail. I even have had friends express that it's "not fair" because I I was such an "active Christian" or something similar. And I'd be lying if I said I never wondered that myself. I know many have found themselves in very hard situations...like a cheating spouse or a job loss leading to a home foreclosure. But, there's one thing I'm learning..."why?" is the wrong question because it implies that we see things from the perspective of an all wise God...which, of course, we don't. Consider the Apostle Paul...writer of many New Testament books and arguably one of the greatest of Christians. He asked the Lord 3 times to remove a serious physical problem; as we all know, the answer was "No" every time, God explaining that His strength would be seen through this problem of Paul's. But I want to point out another time God put Paul in an undeserved difficult time...the time he and Silas visited Phillipi. They were greeted by a demon-possessed fortune teller who openly mocked them. They helped her by casting the demon out of her which infuriated her owners due to lost income. So what happened? Paul and Silas were thrown in a Roman dungeon after they were beaten. A Roman dungeon was a vile, stinking place where they were chained together and their only position was one of sitting on a filthy floor. No care taken of their open wounds; no food or water; no way to notify anyone...all told a VERY unfair response to their kindness toward a pitiful woman. I mean, WHAT WAS GOD THINKING??? I know I would have concluded God didn't care and curled-up into a pity-party. But not those two...they SANG praises to God!!!!! The result! God sent an earthquake that broke their restraints and opened every cell door!!! But no prisoner chose to flee...in fact, the frantic jailer was reassured by Paul that none had escaped. We then are told that all the prisoners were converted, the jailer took them to his home, dressed their wounds and he and his family were all converted. Even the town administrator apologized to them!! And so the "Church at Phillipi" was begun...the only church that Paul, years later in a letter to that growing church (the book of Phillipians), had nothing but praise for!! My, my what an awful thing God "did" to Paul and Silas!! You see, the book of Isaiah tells us that God's ways are NOT our ways; His ways are too high for us to understand. In fact, I'm pretty sure Paul and Silas had no clue what God was doing...they just chose to trust Him and praise HIm during an undeserved hard time! What about it? Can you trust God when He is bringing hard, undeserved circumstances into your life?? No telling what He has in mind...we just have to TRUST HIM not understand Him!

Supply and Need

Boy, I don't know about you, but I often feel like I have way more needs than I do supplies! In fact, most of life can seem that way...not enough money to pay bills, no patience with a demanding boss or needy children. Or how about your mate? Been needing more than you think you'll ever get (or give)? I sometimes feel like a dried up river...I have nothing more to give, yet I still need tons of life-giving water! As you know, my personal struggle is chronic illness and the complex ways it has changed me and my life. But within that larger issue is the very pressing panic (hopelessness, helplessness, despair, fear, anger,etc) that comes from unremitting PAIN! Just like a broken heart overwhelms your mind, body and soul, pain often threatens to swamp and sink my boat. I'm not talking about a sinus headache, either. I mean severe pain that defeats sleeping pills, infusions and even the very powerful narcotic, fentanyl. When my pain ramps up from moderate and moves toward the severe level, I can literally have the compulsion to RUN, because it triggers the "fight or flight" response!
However, my gracious Savior has been teaching me a new principle, lately...the one of need and supply. Often, I see no way to bear the pain, I just endure it as it rips me to shreds. But a verse in Isaiah 45 (v.3) says that God will give me the treasures from secret places so that I can further understand that He is GOD and the only one capable of meeting my needs. In other words, He has the "supply" before I ever even have the "need". God always works like that: He made air before He made a single air breather, water before thirst existed, light before one eye was made and a redemption plan before there was a single human being! I don't mean He's a huge "off" switch for my pain, though I have experienced that many times. What I mean is that He has whatever I need to cope with and rise above the pain...the supply of power to withstand the destructive force of pain. It's just a matter of calling on Him so He can "show me great and mighty things", things that are not temporal but eternal. But I have to choose to call out to Him AND trust Him.
I encourage you to reflect on this truth of the vast supply of ANYTHING you need. My pain and your need is no surprise to God, even if it is to us. He is always ready and willing to meet us at our point of need...after all, He said He'd supply all my needs, so why am I so slow to ask Him to? Well, I intend to learn to have faith in the secret treasures of God's supply...how about you????