Why Me????

You know, I'm often asked why God let my health fail. I even have had friends express that it's "not fair" because I I was such an "active Christian" or something similar. And I'd be lying if I said I never wondered that myself. I know many have found themselves in very hard situations...like a cheating spouse or a job loss leading to a home foreclosure. But, there's one thing I'm learning..."why?" is the wrong question because it implies that we see things from the perspective of an all wise God...which, of course, we don't. Consider the Apostle Paul...writer of many New Testament books and arguably one of the greatest of Christians. He asked the Lord 3 times to remove a serious physical problem; as we all know, the answer was "No" every time, God explaining that His strength would be seen through this problem of Paul's. But I want to point out another time God put Paul in an undeserved difficult time...the time he and Silas visited Phillipi. They were greeted by a demon-possessed fortune teller who openly mocked them. They helped her by casting the demon out of her which infuriated her owners due to lost income. So what happened? Paul and Silas were thrown in a Roman dungeon after they were beaten. A Roman dungeon was a vile, stinking place where they were chained together and their only position was one of sitting on a filthy floor. No care taken of their open wounds; no food or water; no way to notify anyone...all told a VERY unfair response to their kindness toward a pitiful woman. I mean, WHAT WAS GOD THINKING??? I know I would have concluded God didn't care and curled-up into a pity-party. But not those two...they SANG praises to God!!!!! The result! God sent an earthquake that broke their restraints and opened every cell door!!! But no prisoner chose to flee...in fact, the frantic jailer was reassured by Paul that none had escaped. We then are told that all the prisoners were converted, the jailer took them to his home, dressed their wounds and he and his family were all converted. Even the town administrator apologized to them!! And so the "Church at Phillipi" was begun...the only church that Paul, years later in a letter to that growing church (the book of Phillipians), had nothing but praise for!! My, my what an awful thing God "did" to Paul and Silas!! You see, the book of Isaiah tells us that God's ways are NOT our ways; His ways are too high for us to understand. In fact, I'm pretty sure Paul and Silas had no clue what God was doing...they just chose to trust Him and praise HIm during an undeserved hard time! What about it? Can you trust God when He is bringing hard, undeserved circumstances into your life?? No telling what He has in mind...we just have to TRUST HIM not understand Him!

Supply and Need

Boy, I don't know about you, but I often feel like I have way more needs than I do supplies! In fact, most of life can seem that way...not enough money to pay bills, no patience with a demanding boss or needy children. Or how about your mate? Been needing more than you think you'll ever get (or give)? I sometimes feel like a dried up river...I have nothing more to give, yet I still need tons of life-giving water! As you know, my personal struggle is chronic illness and the complex ways it has changed me and my life. But within that larger issue is the very pressing panic (hopelessness, helplessness, despair, fear, anger,etc) that comes from unremitting PAIN! Just like a broken heart overwhelms your mind, body and soul, pain often threatens to swamp and sink my boat. I'm not talking about a sinus headache, either. I mean severe pain that defeats sleeping pills, infusions and even the very powerful narcotic, fentanyl. When my pain ramps up from moderate and moves toward the severe level, I can literally have the compulsion to RUN, because it triggers the "fight or flight" response!
However, my gracious Savior has been teaching me a new principle, lately...the one of need and supply. Often, I see no way to bear the pain, I just endure it as it rips me to shreds. But a verse in Isaiah 45 (v.3) says that God will give me the treasures from secret places so that I can further understand that He is GOD and the only one capable of meeting my needs. In other words, He has the "supply" before I ever even have the "need". God always works like that: He made air before He made a single air breather, water before thirst existed, light before one eye was made and a redemption plan before there was a single human being! I don't mean He's a huge "off" switch for my pain, though I have experienced that many times. What I mean is that He has whatever I need to cope with and rise above the pain...the supply of power to withstand the destructive force of pain. It's just a matter of calling on Him so He can "show me great and mighty things", things that are not temporal but eternal. But I have to choose to call out to Him AND trust Him.
I encourage you to reflect on this truth of the vast supply of ANYTHING you need. My pain and your need is no surprise to God, even if it is to us. He is always ready and willing to meet us at our point of need...after all, He said He'd supply all my needs, so why am I so slow to ask Him to? Well, I intend to learn to have faith in the secret treasures of God's supply...how about you????

Glitter and Shine

You can always tell when someone has been using glitter. You can never quite get it all off of you. I noticed a few tiny specks once on a friend's cheek. Most of the time, they weren't even noticeable, but if she turned her head a certain way, I'd see a tiny glint of light shimmer on her cheek for a second. Occasionally, in bright daylight, I'd really be dazzled by their bright shine and sparkle! It all depended on my point of view.
Seeing the difficulties someone is going through is the same as seeing the glitter's sparkle...it depends on your point of view. I may be shocked to hear someone filed for divorce, whereas, a person closer to the couple may have predicted it. I find living with a painful disease is like that; some friends seem insensitive to my inability to "keep up", for instance. My lack of health is not "glinting" brightly enough for them to notice my problem. Other friends seem to be keenly aware of my situation, as if the "glitter" is always shining brightly to them. I know I have not always seen the pain in the faces of my friends like I feel I should have. Their current "pain" of a child struggling in school or the threat of a home foreclosure or feelings of depression and despair are not obvious to me. Oh, I may be generally aware of their struggle, but I know I have not seen the "glitter shine" like I should have. It seems we often fail one another by our lack of sympathy or lack of true concern. Life is hard for everyone like that. We all NEED pity and help but rarely seem to GIVE pity and help.
But all is not hopeless!! We have a loving God who is full of compassion and tender mercies toward us. He always sees the glint of our glitter!! And He NEVER runs out of patience with us...but, in fact, understands us far better than we understand ourselves! When you feel like no one sees or cares, KNOW that there is an almighty God who does know and care. Run to Him in your time of trouble. You will find that Jesus will always care and will love you unconditionally!

19 dollar Crockpot

Recently I broke one of my old crockpots, so my son dutifully went to Wal-Mart and photographed with his phone the three choices. The first was a sweet black model with cool buttons and digital displays...I immediately wanted it, though it was, of course, the most expensive at $49. The second was chrome with a "warmer" option and locking devices on the lid, all for the reasonable price of $29...Jeff liked it better. Finally, in third place was a plain ole crockpot, looking suspiciously like my old crockpot...for, yep, you guessed it, $19. Sadly, Jeff likes this one the best. We have not resolved this difference looming between us. I'm pushing the $49 model, hoping we'll "compromise" with the $29 one; strangely, Jeff is now saying he thinks the old one is fine with a minor crack in it's crock. Obviously, he's hoping I'll give up the fight and resign myself to the $19 one.
What, you my be thinking, has this got to do with pain and suffering? More than you realize. You see, when I was a young woman...I had an easy life. I was a "pretty girl" with plenty of dates, an education, some talent, a solid family and a great circle of friends. One day, I married my soul-mate, had two fine sons and enjoyed a very satisfying career. I was definitely a $49 crockpot with all the bells and whistles. Fast forward to the age of 39 and a diagnosis of cancer; suddenly, emotional pain, with a threat of serious physical pain, was an uninvited aspect of my golden life. Trouble had come with a capital "C"! I had been down-graded; I was a $29 crockpot...nice, but not anything special! Now, a decade later, I'm clawing to remain a $19 crockpot. You see, my fortieth year was catastrophic...a non- stopping spiral of many physical issues with a very dismal outlook. I am most certainly headed for the cracked crockpot category; in fact, I probably am already there. I don't even remotely resemble the $49 model I used to be...I'm ready for the yard sale.
But, I have to say, my cracked crockpot still works fine; the damage is all exterior, just like me. In fact ,due to a loving, gracious Father, I am learning to put my treasure where it won't decay...learning not to waste my sorrows but let them be tools that God uses to beautify me spiritually...the only eternal part of me! Now, having all of the outward bells and whistles doesn't even appeal to me anymore. They really have no true value...and, come to think of it, I think I will just keep my cracked crockpot...it works just fine! In fact, it bears the "scars" of "suffering"...just like me!
How about it? Are you wasting your sorrows? Or are the battlescars really the proud medals of hard won spiritual lessons? It's your choice, so choose wisely! The outcome of this choice will meet you in eternity either way!

Abused

I heard a very sobering statistic several weeks ago. According to recent and reliable sources, it is estimated that 4 out of 10 girls and 6 out of 10 boys are sexually abused!! So many, many damaged hearts! And since I am part of that statistic, I thought I'd share a little of my story and some thoughts about the resulting damage because, obviously, so many of you will be able to relate to me. Typically, I was first victimized by a relative at the age of 5. Now, I have discovered that this man abused many of the children in his family, and because I lived out of state, my rate of abuse was very low compared to the shocking abuse borne my those living in the same town! It is very disturbing to realize a vast evil lived in my family and went totally unchecked, wreaking havoc in the lives of several of my cousins, and to a lesser extent, my own. Ten years later, I was molested by a naval doctor! I still vividly recall the doctor ordering a very rattled nurse (I had no clue why she seemed so upset and did everything short of defying a superior officer to remain in the room with me) out of the exam room, turning off the lights, snapping the blinds shut and barking to me to, "Strip!". The assault stopped only when he discovered I was a 15 year old virgin. My nurse must have been hovering outside my door, because she was by my side immediately after he left, trying to comfort me and dry my tears. My mother was extremely upset to see me so tearful, but I had absolutely no idea how to tell her what had happened to me because I didn't know! This was 1970...well before the era of Oprah. No one had ever heard of being assaulted by a doctor! Months later I was date-raped by a "friend" who was giving me a ride home after a church activity!! Well, you get the picture, all though that is not even close to the end of my story, but it is enough, hopefully, to give some credibility to my observations.
By now, we all know about sexual abuse, but we still never talk about it! It is still a taboo and still leaves a great deal of shame in it's wake. I know many women; have taught women's Sunday school classes, home Bible studies and years of high school, and can count on my hands the resulting conversations about this issue, in spite of sharing my experiences and offering to listen to anyone, any time. This makes me very sad because I have taught, in one way or another, about 700 women!!! Statistically, that represents almost 200 abuse victims!!! We simply are NOT talking about it and I know it is eating most of us up inside and is contributing to all kinds of relationship issues, migraines, gastro issues, depression and many other chronic problems!!
Finally, I want to hold out HOPE. There is a God in Heaven, and He sees all things and there will be righteous and severe judgment in eternity! Also, this same avenging God, who despises evil, is able to heal the wounds from the abuse! He alone can offer true comfort, peace and a profound sense of safety and security... Someone to absolutely trust, a thing many of us victims find difficult to do. Call upon Him, and let Him show you great and amazing avenues of healing...the kind of complete healing ONLY God could give! Believe me...I know.

Out of Sight

Are you familiar with the Biblical story of Mary, Martha and their brother Lazerus? The story tells of these three good friends of Jesus' who are expecting Him for a visit in the very near future. During this wait, though, Lazerus becomes very I'll, and the sisters immediately send word to Jesus telling Him that their brother is so sick that they're afraid he might die. They urgently ask that He would quickly come to their home and heal their brother. Jesus tells them not to worry...Lazerus won't die. But he does. Eventually the Lord arrives at their home...days after the death. Of course the women tell Jesus that Lazerus wouldn't have died if He had come earlier...as if Jesus didn't know this. I believe what they were really saying is what any of us would say (or at least think)... WHAT TOOK SO LONG???? YOU SAID HE WOULDN'T DIE!!! WHAT IS GOING ON ?!?!?! Well, Jesus goes to the tomb and tells them to open it. They inform Him that this cannot be done because the stench would be intolerable. In other words...FORGET IT!! YOU DIDN'T CARE ENOUGH TO EVEN GET HERE FOR THE FUNERAL!!! But, evidently, they eventually opened the tomb because Jesus called to his friend Lazerus and he came alive and walked out of his grave!!!
Obviously, this is an amazing story displaying the power of Jesus Christ and demonstrating that He was God in the flesh. But, I'm interested in the story between the lines. To me, this is a story of FAILED FAITH. After all, these two sisters were very close friends of the Lord's and had undoubtedly seen Him perform many miracles. They certainly expected the Lord to heal Lazerus...so what happened to their faith? Probably what happens to our faith when things go from bad to worse...it disappears. Unfortunately, our so called "faith" is not really faith; it's more of a hopeful expectation that everything will be just fine because we prayed about it...except that it isn't fine; in fact, things can sometimes become catastrophic and suddenly our faith is G-O-N-E! Why does our faith fail us? Because it is not solidly vested in the TRUTH (God has everything under His control and things will go His way), but instead is vested in lies (like God is a big blessing machine and I deserve being blessed!).
You know, I want to learn from Mary and Martha's experience and TRUST GOD NO MATTER WHAT...even when things get worse than I ever could have imagined! After all, He is GOD, isn't HE??? Keep trusting Him...no matter what!

Self-Inflicted

I have been amazed lately at the many insidious ways I manage to hurt myself! I'm not talking about the obvious like lack of sleep or poor nutrition, I mean the ways I weaken myself emotionally and spiritually. I can not believe that I still talk to myself negatively, for example. I KNOW that negative thinking has a direct effect on my mood and an indirect one on my health...but do I stop??? Nooooo!! Even knowing that God's Word tells me that "as a man thinks, so is he" doesn't stop me! It's as if we are dead set on defeating our own selves. Why? Part of the answer is, of course, CHOICE. It may not feel like I am choosing my thoughts, but I am...and choosing to indulge in it, so some of this self destruction is really an easy fix. The question is not, "do I WANT to change?" but "WILL I change?" The other causes of this self- inflicted misery is not as clear. Some is vested in a weak faith...the result of not being in the Word consistently. Another part is the affect of the state of the Body of Christ. Christianity is sooo superficial, and I mean good ole evangelical Christians like me! Honestly, as a whole, we have compromised ourselves into such a weakened, copped-out type of belief that it barely makes a difference in our own lifestyles, much less the secular world! For example, believers look and act like the moral unsaved...we get tattoed, we socially drink, go to any type of entertainment (within the "norm"),curse occasionally, justify lying...need I go on?!!! The state of my own "family" is of no help at all, in fact I find it depressing and sad. No wonder churches are losing members...there are so many that only talk the talk and very, very few who walk the talk. I mean, how many Christians do you know that ever talk of personal holiness? We're all too cowardly to take any real stands for fear of being called judgmental or legalistic. I guess someone ripped the book of James out of the Bible...whose faith is really seen through good works (or attitudes or words or thoughts)? So, I'm not only hurt by this mamby-pamby behavior, but I'm also inflicting weakness and pain on others! What an abysmal mess.
I think I am going to try walking in some truth...maybe then I'll begin to self-heal. After all, "truth" defines God and nothing is more healing than He is...body, mind and spirit!

Solitary Confinement

Suffering has many common aspects no matter what is causing it. All of them are grueling issues that must be endured...hopefully with patience and firm faith that the Lord is right in the middle of it with you! One of the worst aspects to me is the isolation that suffering causes. It's very helpful to talk to someone going through the same trauma, but because we are unique individuals, there are differences in the common experience. Often, though, we might not even know someone going through the pain we are. This loneliness can really cause some major discouragement, in spite of loving friends and family. I often wish I could talk to someone who has C.I.D.P. because my family/friends don't know what a numb hand feels like or the fear of losing the use of your hands, for example, feels like. Sympathy, unfortunately, only goes so far...empathy is much harder to find. And so we really are in solitary confinement with no hope of release.

When I begin to feel those walls press in on me, the only relief I get is in the Lord. Because He is God, He really does "get it". I don't have to go through the total frustration of trying to explain anything to Him. He already knows. Also, He will provide strength to bear it...this I know from experience. Whenever I cry out to Him, I realize later that I am much calmer, less afraid and more able to relax. Don't ask me how this happens...it just does!! Plus, I know He knew I would be going through this way before I did...He is not taken by surprise like I am.

Jesus told us He would be with us always, even until the end of the world. So when I feel like my world is ending and I am alone in my misery...I NEVER am. He is there just like He promised and I am never alone!! Either are you!

Keep pressing on.

What's Love Got To Do With It?

How many times have I wondered how on earth God could claim to love me? What does love have to do with divorce? With home repossession? With sexual molestation? Blinding pain of heart or body??? I've looked into eyes that screamed despair and hopelessness while being asked how God could do this? As I told a dear friend who has been viciously attacked and defamed that it was a valid question to ask, I knew I'd better have a "real" answer. There was a time I would have answered her with some platitude or overworked Bible verse (Romans 8:28 comes to mind) because I couldn't REALLY answer her from my heart...from experience.
During some very bleak, dark times while first grappling with my failing health, I truly wanted to know the answer. From my perspective at that time, God seemed to me to be literally destroying me...how is that love??

But it is. As a Christian, I believe God rules over all...all circumstances, results, actions...ALL. Ultimately, you must determine if God is really GOD...does He rule? If you answer "yes" then EVERYTHING comes from LOVE for the Bible states, "God is love.". But it certainly seems contradictory when really tough things happen. But it still is true...love permeates a Christian's life from God's perspective. The trick is learning to look from His point of view.

Consider Jesus. Called a "bastard" (when that was a major social stigma); had a mere 12 followers that included a traitor; had a failed ministry in three short years and then was unjustly convicted of a capital crime and was tortured to death! Then, to top it all off, Jesus died with sin accounted to Him, not His own, but ours! That meant that God the Father could justly leave his soul in eternal death...that's why Jesus commended His soul to His Father on the cross; it wasn't clear what Eternity held for Him!!! But we know He was resurrected back to a sinless life, and now we can have an eternal, sinless life, too!!! WHY? Because, Jesus went through the black, dark times trusting His Father in all things. And out of that trust in the love of God the Father, untold millions of souls will live eternally with Him. Who could imagine so much failure and tragedy could have such incredible results? Well, I can and I'm learning to absolutely trust the love of God no matter how much "reality" says He doesn't care. Because I know Love has Everything to do with it, Do you?

Keep pressing on!

Been awhile since my last post. Lately, three very dear friends have been grappling with so very serious problems that has had me in a tizzy. One has leukemia which has relapsed, another is on a ventilator fighting for his life and another has lost her home through no fault of her own! I don't know about you, but there are some days that I really long for Heaven. To be with the Lord where noting evil or vile can touch me or my friends would be such a relief! No more worrying or fighting with impossible situations and knowing my family is safe would be wonderful!!
Perhaps that is the biggest blessing God has given us... the surety of eternity where there is no sorrow or pain. It is really a "blessed hope" as the Bible says. So when the waves of your storm are getting high and you're tiring of the fight...look up. Heaven is coming one day, and it will never end! Can't wait; how about you?

Dark

We've been having our share of bad weather here in Memphis lately; record flooding (that crept closer and closer to my home...yikes!), and recently some high temperatures and banging t-storms in the afternoon. Typical summer in the South, I guess. I should be used to it, but I still freak out when the power goes out...I mean, it gets hot fast when it's 98* outside and then it gets very dark after sunset...I mean really dark! It's strange how black it gets when every light is out...the timer on the stove~out, the outdoor floodlights~ out, every streetlight~out and it's too dark to find the flashlight lying in the drawer!!! When I do find it and snap it on, the beam is dazzlingly bright...and comforting, too.

Have you ever been in the pitch dark of a horrible situation? Divorce? Sick loved one? Deep depression? Fear of failure or loss? Wounded and hurt emotionally? Man, I have! That kind of darkness is paralyzing; there seems to be no answer, so hope dies and the dark gets deeper.

There is absolutely only ONE "flashlight"... The Word of God, and it's "battery" is faith in what God says to you from His Word. Your obedience to what you've placed your faith in from Scripture will point the light beam toward the way out of the dark or will relieve the despair and panic darkness creates. Absolutely nothing in my life is beyond the control or knowledge of God. He sees perfectly well in the dark, so hug up to Him and don't be afraid of the dark!

Was talking too a very depressed friend tonight. The last 5-6 years had been tough ones full of financial pressures, emotional roller coasters and serious setbacks. Truly he had been through some hard stuff, and I totally understood his depression. What was so troubling, though, was that he couldn't see his oun culpability in any of it...to him, it was all God's fault (or mostly). I've felt like that before. Hard experiences always present the choice between two things: blaming God or trusting God. I'm sad to say that many of us opt for the blame-game...after all, we're good people, trying our best. How could God do this to me?????

After about 3 hours of conversation, and lots of "flare prayers" on my part, he began to admit that he was CHOOSING to refuse to believe that God loved him and only dealt with him from a position of love and would never harm him. The proof of his belief in a spiritual lie was the misery he was living in. Faith in the love of God and trusting Him no matter what the circumstances results in peace and inner joy, because the fear of impending doom is gone and hopefulness returns. That result is proof that you're believing the truth; because truth is part of God and He brings life.

What about you? Your state-of-heart will tell you if you're believing a lie or the truth.
Choose truth and keep pressing on!

Never-ending-ness

A dear friend asked me what she could talk to the Lord about on my behalf. I shared with her that I was really wrestling with the never-ending-ness of my disease. You see, C.I.D.P is incurable and progressive; I'll never get better; I'll only get worse. Sometimes I feel truly trapped with absolutely no solutions. What about you? What has you trapped? In fact, many of us are suffering in a permanent situation. Mine is illness, yours may be a failed marriage, financial woes, a wounded spirit, or anything else that is and will continue to cause you agony. These crushing burdens can be the underlying root of many other problems like bitterness, anger and depression.

How are we supposed to deal with this problem? I'm learning to take my cue from the Apostle Paul. While unjustly imprisoned in a vile Roman dungeon, he referred to himself as a prisoner of CHRIST. And that is not just religious fervor, but a real truth. Paul was really in that place of suffering because God had placed him there. There were several times when the Bible tells us of miraculous deliverance from prison, one concerning an angel as a key player, so Paul knew without a doubt that he was in that dungeon only as long as God allowed. This is a very transformative truth. When I view myself trapped by a disease, I truly panic inside...which quickly turns into doubting God or being angry with Him. After all, suffering is sometimes seemingly unbearable, imprisoning me without any hope of mercy. But when I shift my perspective to that of a loving and sacrificing God as my "jailor", I don't panic. In fact, it is very comforting to know that He has His eye closely on me and will never let any situation harm me if I continue to trust Him. And I do. Do you?

Suffering's Heat

Have you ever considered that suffering and strength are two sides of the same coin? Suffering requires strength to endure the painful flames burning your soul. But it also created strength as we continue to endure the trial. There's a metaphor in the Bible of a man working at purifying metal, and, of course, God is the refiner and I am the metal. What I didn't quite understand about purifying metal is that all the impurities don't just disappear because heat is being applied. Nooooo!! There is a process involved. The refiner begins at a low setting where certain impurities melt lose from the metal and float to the top. They are then skimmed off and the refiner INCREASES THE HEAT! This is repeated until the highest heat that the metal can withstand without being destroyed is applied. Also, at each level the various impurities are skimmed off. At the end of the process, the refiner can clearly see his reflection in the metal. That indicates to the metal worker that the refinement is complete and no more heat needs applied. As we endure whatever circumstance is burning us up, bear always in mind that it is NOT purposeless. It has an ETERNAL value, and is therefore priceless!!

You know, we can live "outside" our life grieving for a life we "never had". Or we can choose to trust that God gave us a SPECIFIC life to lead with eternal meaning. The choice of perspective is entirely mine...the length and intensity of the process is entirely God's.

Keep on enduring AND trusting.

Called to Suffer

Sometimes, I think it's never going to end. That this problem is a life long trial, and I just want to scream, "Let it be over!!!". In fact, this very overwhelming feeling had me put a loaded gun to my head some years ago...sobbing that I wanted to die to escape the pain. But, mercifully, I was able to hear the soft, gentle voice of my Savior say, "want you REALLY want is TO LIVE". That completely began to change my perspective...instead of asking God "why?" I began to ask Him "what?". What is the purpose of my suffering? what is God trying to do with my life that, frankly, seemed over to me. Well, I discovered the great and eternal purpose. See if you can discover it in the words of my all time favorite song by Keith Getty:

"Jesus draw me ever nearer as I labor through the storm.
You have called me to this passage and I'll follow though I'm worn.

Jesus guide me through the tempest, keep my spirit staid and sure,
When the midnight mets the morning, let me love you even more

May the treasures of the trial form within me as I go;
And at the end of this long passage, let me leave them at your throne.

May this journey bring a blessing, may I rise on wings of faith.
And at the end of my heart's testing, in your likeness let me wake!"


You see the whole point of my sorrow (and yours) is that God uses it to bring out the traits of Jesus in me... You know the "fruits of the Spirit"... Love, joy peace, gentleness, etc.
With that outcome being developed in us, we are more peaceful, kind etc., and others begin to see Christ in us more and more. It's a win win situation. Does it make my suffering easier; truthfully, no. But more importantly, it gives it great purpose and value so it is really worth it to endure it.

Keep pressing on!

Heart pains

I'm of the strong opinion that emotional is worse than physical discomfort. After all, there's no pill for hurt hearts. When I was recently hurt, I noticed that it actually caused my physical pain to worsen, and I could not turn off my brain! I kept replaying the conversation, stabbing myself over and over again like a never ending emotional suicide. Finally, I just pulled inward and then everyone around me was miserable too.

Looking back over tonight I can say one thing for sure: the power of life and death is truly in the tongue...just like the Bible says. Once words hit the ears of the receiver, it's like a virus or a vitamin to their soul...forever becoming part of them and changing them permanently. It's been very frightening to reflect back on tonight; the words of one person affected five others, though only heard by one. That's just like a contagious disease.

Lesson learned tonight...be VERY careful what you say; you're speaking life or death...not just words.

Keep pressing on!

Take your meds

The last two days have been bizarre! My disease causes lethargy, but this was way beyond that. I felt like I was in a stupor...trying desperately to just stay awake...forget about being alert. To top it off, Jeff had taken off work Friday so we could have a long weekend, go out a little...you know, just play. Well, I could not peel myself out of the recliner for two days. I was frustrated, annoyed and scared. What was going wrong with me now??? Eventually, I realized I had been out of my thyroid med for a week or so; that was what was causing the extreme tiredness. Got the medication, and felt better after one dose. Thank you Lord for my medication!



But the exact same response happens to us spiritually when we fail to take our spiritual medicine.. The Word of God. When we neglect our daily dose our spirits become weak and faithless. The sicknesses of doubt and self-pity infect us and we really start to need our spiritual medicine. After all it is called "Life"! Are you in the blahs lately, fighting to even believe God the Father even cares? RUN TO THE CURE! Just like I have no real understanding how my thyroid med helped me, I don't know how the Word fuels me but it does. Have you had your dose today? If not, read a psalm and hear the Lord's heart toward you.

hangeth thou in there!

1st Grade

Well, today was THE PITS!! I was in a very dark mood; sick of being sick; tired of being tired; OVER IT. Ever been like that? (I see that nodding head). I was absolutely questioning God...calling Him into account and angry that I "had" to suffer. These attitudes prove that I am still a first grade Christian. Chronologically, I'm a 48 year old Christian, but today I behaved like a 1st grader. You see, a truly mature Christian suffers patiently, trusting the Lord's wisdom and love. The Apostle Paul calls it "enduring hardness". One day, when I graduate from the university of Christian life, I will automatically trust Him and doubts will end. After all, you never question one you totally trust. I'm sad to say that I still have far to go in that area...but I intend to get there. What about you? What grade are you in?

Hang in there.

Universal Pain

My dear pastor, Teddy Steele, is expected to slip into heaven tonight; another dear friend will hear Friday if tests show she has leukemia; several weeks ago another dear friend shared with me the horror of her dying marriage. It seems that pain is the one unifying, universal aspect of humanity. During your darkest days, have you ever wondered, WHERE IS GOD???? I know I have. And I know you have, too. I know it's not something we'll all cop to, but I know we all doubt God in the hard times. But, I'm writing this blog to assure you that God is right in the middle of the trauma...looking out for our eternal good. Twenty-four long, long years of never ending chronic pain has forced me to test this belief, and though my faith is still tested and tried weekly, I can still say GOD Is THERE. To that one belief this blog is devoted; I hope to be a reassuring voice for you during the bad times and help to bolster your faith in a loving and involved God.

Last week was one of those weeks when I had tied the knot on the end of the proverbial rope and felt myself slipping off. I walked to the kitchen to get some water, slammed my glass on the counter and sent up a "flare prayer". I told the Lord I could NOT live with this pain any more...I was done trying to...it seemed pointless to keep trying to cope!! I told Him that I desperately needed help. Then, I heard my dog at the back door, so I swung open the inner door and reached to open the clear security door. At that precise moment, a very beautiful full moon came into view, perfectly framed between the branches of some big oaks across the street. Of course, it lit up the dark night sky, a sight I've enjoyed many ltimes in 54 years.
But this time was different. I heard in my heart the voice of my dear Shepherd saying to me,


"Linda, I will light the way for you through this dark moment...I am lighting up the sky so you can see that no darkness can overcome Me." And I can tell you that a peace came into my weary heart. Did the pain stop? No. Did the torment of fear and helplessness stop? YES!
And that , my fellow warriors, is true victory over pain. Keep pressing on!

This is a test.

Welcome to the Fellowship!

This blog is dedicated to all who suffer pain of any kind and yet still believe in the goodness of God. Together, let us point each other to the Savior who bore all our sorrows as we share in "the fellowship of His sufferings" (Phil. 3:10).

For those of you seeking encouragement, advice, or just some place to be heard, this blog is for you!